What to do?

I hate being able to see past things. I hate being able to read children so easily. There is a very special young girl in my life that when I was at my last job became very close and attached to me. She always made a point to come and see me while I was working. She loved hanging out with me and cracking jokes. We played and hung out together I helped her with her swimming.

When I wasn’t at work she would get mad at me and interrogate me why I wasn’t at work. She would tell me things like she wishes I was her mom. Many very sweet things and I could tell that she care a lot about me but it didn’t add up. Lots of kids care about me and have love for me, but this was different. This is different. This is mirroring what I was like as a kid.

This girl texts me a lot. Usually when she has something funny to say or when something is on her mind. Rarely do I text her first. But tonight out of the blue her dad takes her phone and texts me saying:

Chanel, this is _________’s father. Your communication and relationship with my daughter appears inappropriate. I hope you will understand this and maintain a formal relationship that is appropriate for a person your age and an 11 year old.

Ok. I don’t know what I have ever said that is inappropriate to __________ but I can understand a parents’ concern. So I politely tell him:

OK. Not a problem. To be more specific could you please tell me what you would like me to change so I know and can do so?

 

He avoids the question, he tells me I should know. So I go back a reread texts. I have been supportive when she has had a bad day. When she isn’t getting along with someone I listen and give her advice. I sent her inspirational texts like have a great day! You are an awesome person, show the world it today. I have had funny banter with her back and forth making jokes. If she text me late at night I tell her she needs her rest and should be asleep.

So far I see nothing inappropriate about these texts but I am not going to fight a parent about their rules. It is not my job, I am not family, I am just a person that their kids got really close to and want me to go to their games, plays, meets and hang out with. So I tell him I don’t want to disrupt their family and their rules so I will discontinue contact but I really do wish he would tell me what is bothering him because I work with many children of all ages and it is very helpful to have feedback.

No response.

It doesn’t sit right with me. __________ would hang on me and be upset when she had to leave me to go to practice or go home. She would follow me around all over the place. Tell me all the time she wishes I was her mom. You can tell something heavy is weighing on her. I can see the sadness in her eyes. I can she her acting out is an out cry for someone to rescue her. Her being violent and trying to physically dominate people bigger than her is a way for her to gain control. I see myself in her when I was that age and it makes me want to cry.

I told the parents I wouldn’t talk to her any more and I am not going to violate that promise. It secretly kills me that with time she might have felt that I would be a safe person to open up to even more. It kills me that she might be me. It kills me that because I have no actual evidence besides my gut feeling and knowing what it is like to be that little girl that if I go to the police nothing will be done. They won’t take me seriously.

I pray that I am wrong. IF there is a god out there I will be wrong. Oh please let me be wrong. Please don’t let this bright wonderful child be stripped away from her childhood and innocence. It isn’t fair to her. It isn’t fair to any child. God, let me be wrong.

Handle the Truth?

What do survivors of abuse tell their children why they don’t see grandma or grandpa? If I have children what do I tell them? I don’t want my father apart of their life. I don’t want expose my children to potentially be abused by him.

Would I tell them he was dead? What if he tracked me down and just showed up? What would I tell them then? Would I tell them what happened but in less detail? Would I give them the opportunity to make the choice on their own based on the facts? What is the right thing to do?

I just don’t see how he wouldn’t find out because I have siblings. My sisters never talk to him but I still have a brother that lives with him and I can see him staying in touch with him for the rest of his life. I would feel guilty asking my brother to lie.

My dad is just a sick man. I believe he is mentally ill. I honestly don’t think he believes he did anything or he knows what he did and doesn’t believe that it is wrong. It would really mean the world to me if one day he realizes what he did to me and he apologized. Just apologize. God that would feel like such a relief.

Obviously this is something that I will address many years from now but it crosses my mind.

The Ugly Truth

I did it. I faced my ugly truth in therapy last week and god it hurt. I don’t love myself. I give everyone else around me love but I don’t believe that I deserve my own love. I blame myself for so many things and even though my logical side tells me it wasn’t my fault I still feel that it was. When I look in the mirror I hear the words from the past. I hear the years of teasing in school, my dad’s constant criticism, my ex-boyfriend’s family constantly poking at me, putting me under a microscope and comparing me to his past girlfriends, my ex telling me my ass isn’t big enough, I have droopy eyes, I look like a man, I’m fat, I’m ugly, the words constantly go on and on. Although, I give myself some credit it isn’t like this every day. I have seen the beauty inside of me and I see when it pokes out.

My therapist brought up a point, I give to everyone else but I don’t give back to myself. I don’t know how to. From my first memories, which was with my first beautiful little sister, I was giving. My mom might have given birth to my sister but in my head that was my baby. I wanted to be mommy so bad. I loved playing house and being her mommy. I was heartbroken when I was told I couldn’t see her again.

I have thousands of memories of taking care of and loving everyone else but I don’t have a single memory of loving myself. I don’t know how to. How do you give back to yourself? How do you love yourself? It is something I never learned. It is something no one ever taught me. How do I learn this now, almost 25 years later? How do I learn to accept my love love nonetheless someone else’s love?

How do I let go of the past? How do I stop blaming myself for my Granny’s death, my mom’s addiction, my siblings being hurt? How do learn that I can’t accept responsibility for things that I have no affect over? Why do I feel the compulsive need help everyone else and solve their problems before my own.

Out of all the questions that is probably the easiest to answer. I find everyone else’s problems easy. Facing my own is terrifying. Although I have made great progress on my own I have to dig deeper into the stuff I don’t want to. I have to fix all the deep down pain and hurt I have from the moment I was born. That means almost reliving the most hurtful memories I have on a weekly basis. How do I know when I have fixed it? How do I know I am the improved Chanel?

I wonder what it will feel like when I have made peace with myself? What will it feel like not to feel guilty telling people my needs, telling them no? What will it feel like to love myself? Will I stop feeling tired all the time? Will I stop feeling like everyday is a fight? Will I feel better? Will I finally see the beautiful amazing young woman everyone keeps telling me about?

As terrified as I am to go on this journey I want to get there. I want to feel better. I want to trust, love and accept love from myself and everyone else. I want to be proud of myself.

Bar to None

What I simply just can’t get over in my life is expecting people to care about me. I don’t know why I have faith in people, you think by now I would get over it. You think after being let down so many times in my life I would stop putting my faith in people that they care about me and my feelings. Let me shed some light on these let downs in my life.

Boyfriend #2: He was with in during a very hard time in my life. I had reported my dad as my abuser and was going through court. He was a great support to me…sometimes. Other times, like when it came to his family, I was left on my own. His mom, dad, uncle and aunts HATED (still does) me. They hate me so much they like to blame the death of Pops (BF#2′s grandpa) on me. My least favorite and scarring memory is his uncle always making comments at me when I would go for second helpings at dinner. My dad used to call me fat all the time. He used to grab the skin on my stomach and tell me I shouldn’t be eating chips because I’m going to get fat. BF#2 was very aware of how sensitive I was about things like that and yet he just stood by quietly and let his uncle verbally abuse me. His mom used to like to compare me to his ex girlfriends. Tell me I wasn’t good enough for her son. His dad used to love blaming everything on me. I was his favorite verbal punching bag, and BF#2 would just sit but with his mouth shut and watch me stand up and defend myself.

Boyfriend #3:
Oh, he was a delight. He was so scared of his own feelings and getting close to me that we would get into arguments about whether he cared or not. He would come over almost every day, text me, call me, but would tell me he didn’t care. My breaking point was the day when he told me that if I were to stop talking to him the next day he wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, he didn’t care. I snapped. Most awful confusing relationship. That hurt so much when he did that. It hurt me so much and I finally believed him even though his actions said otherwise that I cheated on him and slept with someone else, then almost got raped by that guy’s friend. I felt like garbage when I did that. I told him the next morning. He was furious but we tried to stay together and work it out. We grew weirdly closer but also got further apart. I expected him to care enough to do a lot of things. I expected him to tell me he loved me, to be proud to tell his friends and family I was his girlfriend, I expected him to care enough about me to get off the dating site he was on, I expected him to care enough to tell me what was going on in his head and what he was feeling. Once again I set my expectations too high.

Family and friends: This doesn’t apply to every friend and family member I have, just a few. I expect my family to care enough to call or text me if they are running late or changing plans. I expect them to care about my feelings on certain things. I expect them to care about me.

I don’t ask for a lot from people, it’s just not who I am. I try to convince myself it’s my turn to be selfish yada yada yada but let’s face it, I’m never going to be that person. I am always going to put other people before myself. I am going to be that person on the airplane as we are plummeting to our deaths forgetting my oxygen mask to help others. All I ask from people is to communicate with me and respect the few things I do ask for…like being on time.

Those are my two biggest pet peeves, tardiness and lack of communication. Ok, we can throw in when someone is being a thick headed stubborn ass and won’t listen to anyone else. That really bothers me too.

What I want to know and understand is why people in my life cannot accomplish these few small things I ask? Because when I encounter problems like this in my life it feels like I am not respected, I am not cared about and that I am not a priority in their life. That hurts. Like it almost puts me into tears each and every time this happens. No matter how many times I say something it feels like it never gets heard because it happens over and over again.

So, I wind up at the conclusion that I my expectations are just too high. Expecting people to care and respect you shouldn’t be considered a high expectation in my book but in practice it is. That realization really sucks and I don’t know how to get over it. I don’t know how to stop letting myself be disappointed. I don’t know how to stop feeling like garbage when someone lets me down and I feel like they don’t respect me or care enough about me.

This is probably something I am going to talk about in therapy tomorrow. Maybe the professional will have some advice for me. My fellow readers, if you have advice I would love it. I am tired of feeling like I have been feeling.

Doing my part

“My Way”

Thank you Pops for introducing me to this song and saying it was something we would always share. It is very true.

I am caving: Gun Control

I thought I could hold out and keep my opinions to myself about gun control and all the debate that has been going back and forth. The lies, slander and hate being flung around like gorillas throwing shit at spectators at the zoo. I deserve some credit for holding out for so long.

Guns. We aren’t going to get rid of them. We shouldn’t. People have a right to bare arms. People have a right to protect themselves from others, including government. It is why our forefathers put it in the Constitution. If you take yourself back to about middle school or earlier when you were learning about American History you had to learn about the Revolution. If you remember England was disarming citizens, taking properties, executing unlawful (at least it would be considered that today) search and seizures. This was pissing us off. I should have the right to have a gun to protect myself. It is also something I have been seriously considering recently.

Congress, I will very pissed off if you dump billions of dollars into some garbage legislation that is going to ban stupid things. So, basically I am going to continue to be pissed off at you guys because instead of investing that money into a solution you’re going to line your pockets. I wish I could say I am disappointed but I expected this from you guys.

I ask myself why does America have so many gun problems? Well, I can think of many reasons. Our ports are properly guarded and checked. It is pretty easy to smuggle something into our country. I mean think how easy it is for you to sneak something in your luggage. I know you have done it before. We are boarding a country with lots of turmoil and drug cartels. But as I think harder it all boils down to two things.

Education and Health Services.

I don’t think we need to ban guns. I think we need to teach people, including children with an interest in guns, how to use them and respect them. I don’t think people value others lives. I don’t think people quite comprehend the power behind a gun, knife, any sort of weapon. Why don’t they? Because the government has made it difficult for schools to have alternative classes. Thanks government. I wish I could say you guys are helpful but you’re not.

They have made it also INCREDIBLY difficult for anyone to get adequate health services. They let private health insurance companies provide sub par standards of services. Insurance companies make the sick jump through hoops, do back flips, cartwheels and act like the court jester to get any kind of proper services and help. Our doctors are trained to push drugs. They are the new dealers of the century. What does all this have to do with gun control?

Do you know who kill innocent people? Sick people. Desperate people. Mental health is such a taboo in this country. If we had services available to everyone it would be a step in the right direction. What happens when a sick person doesn’t get help and live in agony, they get desperate. What happens when we offer children an education with a teacher and school system that doesn’t care about anything but getting paid? They turn to other means. They turn to a street education. They continue the cycle. If we made it easier for our children, young adults, elder adults, anyone to get a proper education in this country I bet over time we would see a decline in violence. We would see everything mellow out. We would close the gap on the rich and the poor. We wouldn’t have overrun jails and prisons. We would be a happier nation. I am sure we would see fewer people on disability, unemployment and welfare.

But what we have now…parties fighting each other and lining their pockets while delaying or shooting down bills that actually work. We are more concerned about which party holds control of the Senate and House. We are content with watching the news and two people nit-picking and bashing each other. We are satisfied with our politicians running us on this hamster wheels rather than putting down their arms, shaking hands, working together to move us forward.  So ladies and gentlemen, we are going to see more of this. There will be more violence, schools closing down, drugs smuggling, guns, and death.