Bar to None

What I simply just can’t get over in my life is expecting people to care about me. I don’t know why I have faith in people, you think by now I would get over it. You think after being let down so many times in my life I would stop putting my faith in people that they care about me and my feelings. Let me shed some light on these let downs in my life.

Boyfriend #2: He was with in during a very hard time in my life. I had reported my dad as my abuser and was going through court. He was a great support to me…sometimes. Other times, like when it came to his family, I was left on my own. His mom, dad, uncle and aunts HATED (still does) me. They hate me so much they like to blame the death of Pops (BF#2’s grandpa) on me. My least favorite and scarring memory is his uncle always making comments at me when I would go for second helpings at dinner. My dad used to call me fat all the time. He used to grab the skin on my stomach and tell me I shouldn’t be eating chips because I’m going to get fat. BF#2 was very aware of how sensitive I was about things like that and yet he just stood by quietly and let his uncle verbally abuse me. His mom used to like to compare me to his ex girlfriends. Tell me I wasn’t good enough for her son. His dad used to love blaming everything on me. I was his favorite verbal punching bag, and BF#2 would just sit but with his mouth shut and watch me stand up and defend myself.

Boyfriend #3:
Oh, he was a delight. He was so scared of his own feelings and getting close to me that we would get into arguments about whether he cared or not. He would come over almost every day, text me, call me, but would tell me he didn’t care. My breaking point was the day when he told me that if I were to stop talking to him the next day he wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, he didn’t care. I snapped. Most awful confusing relationship. That hurt so much when he did that. It hurt me so much and I finally believed him even though his actions said otherwise that I cheated on him and slept with someone else, then almost got raped by that guy’s friend. I felt like garbage when I did that. I told him the next morning. He was furious but we tried to stay together and work it out. We grew weirdly closer but also got further apart. I expected him to care enough to do a lot of things. I expected him to tell me he loved me, to be proud to tell his friends and family I was his girlfriend, I expected him to care enough about me to get off the dating site he was on, I expected him to care enough to tell me what was going on in his head and what he was feeling. Once again I set my expectations too high.

Family and friends: This doesn’t apply to every friend and family member I have, just a few. I expect my family to care enough to call or text me if they are running late or changing plans. I expect them to care about my feelings on certain things. I expect them to care about me.

I don’t ask for a lot from people, it’s just not who I am. I try to convince myself it’s my turn to be selfish yada yada yada but let’s face it, I’m never going to be that person. I am always going to put other people before myself. I am going to be that person on the airplane as we are plummeting to our deaths forgetting my oxygen mask to help others. All I ask from people is to communicate with me and respect the few things I do ask for…like being on time.

Those are my two biggest pet peeves, tardiness and lack of communication. Ok, we can throw in when someone is being a thick headed stubborn ass and won’t listen to anyone else. That really bothers me too.

What I want to know and understand is why people in my life cannot accomplish these few small things I ask? Because when I encounter problems like this in my life it feels like I am not respected, I am not cared about and that I am not a priority in their life. That hurts. Like it almost puts me into tears each and every time this happens. No matter how many times I say something it feels like it never gets heard because it happens over and over again.

So, I wind up at the conclusion that I my expectations are just too high. Expecting people to care and respect you shouldn’t be considered a high expectation in my book but in practice it is. That realization really sucks and I don’t know how to get over it. I don’t know how to stop letting myself be disappointed. I don’t know how to stop feeling like garbage when someone lets me down and I feel like they don’t respect me or care enough about me.

This is probably something I am going to talk about in therapy tomorrow. Maybe the professional will have some advice for me. My fellow readers, if you have advice I would love it. I am tired of feeling like I have been feeling.